Nakakapanibago. Parang may kung anong nagtutulak sa aking buksan muli ang kalokohang blog na 'to. Halos nakalimutan ko na ang ganitong pakiramdam na hindi maipaliwanag. Hindi maalis sa isip ko. Hindi ako mapakali. Mukhang tanga lang. Masyado akong masaya na kahit sarili ko eh naiirita na. Pero ewan, kakaiba talaga at hindi ko maaaring sarilinin lang. Kailangan kong isigaw sa kawalan.

Ang swerte-swerte ko. Sa kung anong kadahilanan eh mukhang naging pabor sa akin ang mundo. Bigla na lamang may nag-hello  para ipaalala na posible pa rin pala akong kiligin. Hahaha nakakainis lang.

At hindi ko alam kung anong pakay ng mundo at kung anong patutunguhan nito... pero heto na naman ako.

Pagtataya

Bakit nga ba nagtataya
Kung alam rin naman ang mapapala
Bakit kailangan pang sumugal
Kung hindi rin malalaman ang itatagal

Isang kantang hindi nya maririnig
hindi kayang ipagsabi ngunit di madadaig
Pandalawahang inaawit ng iisa
Habang nag-iisa, habang sya'y nagsasaya

Oras at panahon ay taliwas
Kaya't takot sa kung saan dadalhin ng bukas
hayaan na lang maghintay at mapagod
sabay lang sa daloy hanggang sa malunod

Alone but with a thousand more

I want to feel more alive.
I want to rediscover my passion in life.
I need to set my priorities.
I need to reestablish my boundaries.
I have yet to surpass my achievements.
I have yet to stop chasing pavements.

Just sad that I'm alone and I've never felt so alone in a long long time. But I guess this is what I've chosen for myself.

All because I'm afraid while colors seem to fade.

MANGMANG

Mangmang

Ako'y dumating sa iyong paglisan
Hinarap kita nang lahat ay iyong tinalikuran
Ang pagtulog mo'y akin namang paggising
Napasigaw mo ang tahimik kong damdamin

Ika'y hinanap nang ika'y nasa kawalan
Sinundan ang yapak kahit walang pinatunguhan
Pinaniwalaan ang dati'y tila'y kalokohan
Ang mababaw ko pang isipa'y ikaw ang pinanigan

Ika'y nasa kadiliman at walang matakbuhan
Ngunit sa akin ika'y nagdulot ng kaliwanagan
Nakakulong ka sa kwartong bukas naman
Pinilit kang lumabas, ika'y takot sa kasalukuyan

Mahirap buhayin ang namatay nang damdamin
Ang inaakalang hangganan ay akin nang narating
Ang katapusan ng isang kaisipang kalokohan
Isang kamangmangan na nagdulot ng kahulugan


isinulat ni Alecxandra Rimbao

the satirist

A cornucopia of failures predicted his life's doom

With fatalism, he never accepted this monotony

A paroxysm of rage filled his heart that happiness has no room

Even his paragon cannot awaken him from this reverie

In melody he found cacophony, in falsity the truth

For he considered darkness a paradisaical haven and refuge

A satirist he has become he has no trust in sooth

As he abhorred his own world just as he's sagacious to be fooled





written by: Alecxandra Rimbao
September 21, 2009

His Paragon

His Paragon
(model of perfection)

A self-confessed epitome of stupidity,
he rummaged what would complete his entity
Became lost in a labyrinth of veracity,
for he was blinded by love, fooled by trust.

Caught up in a delusion with his paragon
though he never winced to express his liking.
But now he's suffering the consequences of fighting
an irrevocable truth was deciphered, now he's hurting

His paragon played her words that made him hope
but then the desire in him turned into chagrin.
How could he be complete for the nth time
if a missing piece just refuse to fit in?

written by alecxandra
july 3, 2009

inspiration: someone: ako yung epitome ng katangahan eh haha napakaasaboy talaga

incognito

before reading this, be sure you've read my last poem, nostalgia. This one is like the response of the devil:> enjoy.

INCOGNITO
(with identity concealed)


i used to live a life full of drudgery
i was infamous, fallible and devilish
i rejoiced as darkness embraced my being
for i could not see how i turned out to be


then i saw her in the evanescent rays of sunset
mesmerized, the heavens cleared as i stared at her.
she had an angelic visage that i could never forget
reality shook me, showed me the different world i was in


It didn't feel like we were under the same sky
though we breathed the same air, had the same Creator
for she proved there could be heaven on earth
i was held under her spell, i do confess


I had to feign for the truth might frighten her
meeting her was ineffable, it couldn't be described
only then did i believe opposites attract
for we had an uncanny connection of love and fervor


We had something which started with lies
though the feeling i had was genuine all along
the truth behind who i was would put her to agony
i spared her from more pain so i left her alone


For while i thought i could bear what i've done
Yet i left her a part of me i never knew i had
I went back to see her to have my heart back
incognito, i couldn't help but comfort her weeping soul


With a kiss, she almost surmised who i was
Another touch became the demise of my secret
She escaped, damaged, scarred and fooled
i never saw her since then, i never should


written by alecxandra rimbao
may 18, 2009

fcuked up.

My life's fucked up. It seems hopeless. I feel helpless.

I once had a thought while i was logged in in facebook. While i was opening an application, I wondered why it would always ask me if i would "allow" others to have an acces to what i do as if others would care. It gives me the option to "post" and let others see what im doing or "skip" so it could be seen by no one. It does irritate me due to the fact that i hate being asked the same question once. Just then, i realized that more than the quizzes, my friends, the chat feature, games and quizzes, that irritating item is what i like best in facebook.

So what's the connection of my life fucked up and facebook?

Nothing.

Last night i hoped my life's a little different. Someone came into my room without knocking. I pretended i was doing something. The truth was, tears were rolling down my face. Thoughts came all over me reminding me of the misery I'm in.

I have friends to share my problems with. Yet, I believe that there are things i have to deal myself successfully before i ask for rescue and have someone answer my life's questions for me.

Just so you know...

I hate people lying to me and still manage to give me a smile.

I have to review in a center to pass UPCAT and ACET.

I need to see my friends.




Are those things too much to ask for?


I'm not asking for shortcuts on how to live an easy life nor give me all the ways not to screw it. I'm just wondering why life's treating me like this. I'm not broke. Just Broken. Oh. maybe Both.

an angel's NOSTALGIA

NOSTALGIA
(bittersweet longing for the past)


undaunted by repeated failures, an angel walked
apprehensions scarcely cease her from running
never a skeptic, never apathetic she has a heart
yet a feeble cry paved way for nostalgia

once, a devil ruined the angel with blatant lies
deviated her from truth said it was illusory
oblivious of what she has become, she believed
eccentrically, she fell deeply in love with him

fallacious memories of this past haunted her
the angel was trapped by the devil's beguiling ways
for her, yesterday would always define her tomorrow
pale and wan, she has become, she yearned for solace

consolation found from another, she first refused
but she was broken so she had him to escape the agony
little did she know , he was there to wound her more
for he was the devil, concealed by a mask

with broken wings and a wounded heart she just walked
she wept and blamed no one but herself
she decided to love she chose to trust
the angel now love's victim, breathed her last


written by alecxandra rimbao
april 20, 2009

i never asked for consolation.

the usual cacophony enveloped my very being

then your paroxysm of giggles made me shiver

peircing every part of me, i continued to shudder

intermittently i heard your voice like chocolate to my ears

i was fighting the mere idea of us in my restless mind

But i knew i wasnt going to win

oblivious to my distraction i was actually falling

this should stop.. i should not be swayed by my own wishes

let me escape this illusion, it would cause me anguish

i'm vulnerable, i never wanted hurt and chagrin

for the nth time wake me up from this deep slumber

to a reality in my microcosm i hope exists..

--alecx

why would i grieve for the loss of someone who was never mine?

what's ahead of me?

goodbye 2008..

goodbye heartaches..

goodbye grudges..

Excitement is what i feel as i face 2009. I do expect a lot of changes. I need them. I have to challenge myself to be a lot better emotionally and physically. Considering that my grades in third year High School would be my pass to the universities i would love to enter, I need to start doing something.


The past year had been a tough one. Crashing down to being the top * of my batch, drastic weight gain, having a lot of emotional stress and losing people i treasured- circumstances that shook me and made me realize how much I've hated reality. As young as I am, I'm wondering of what's ahead of me.


All I know now is that Maturity and Independence should go hand in hand for me to realize that no one would rescue me but myself.

As of now, I welcome this year with optimism that things would be great, where i want it to be.

Edward Cullen aka Alecxandra's Addiction

Who's Edward Cullen? Many people asked me that a dozen times already. For those who haven't read twilight or any other book from the saga, he's just the character you would surely love. For sure, you would be charmed and dazzled by him. Just take it from me and all those girls who already read this amazing book.

Top 5 reasons Why I'm Addicted to Edward Cullen

5. He doesn't know he's impossibly perfect. Well, he is! And he would be the last one to admit it.

4. He's so gorgeous. He is described as the one in your dreams. The Exact One. Swear.

3. He sounds so sincere and true.

2. He'll be the greatest vampire you'll ever know. With those sweet and kind words... who will not be charmed?

1. He makes you feel like you're somewhere else surreal, away from reality. Most especially, that he makes you feel like you're his Bella all along.

anguish

Have you ever had the feeling that you never wanna cry again? That after everything you've gone through- all those hardships and sacrifices-it seems you're back again to being nothing?

I'm fifteen and this is hardest thing that I've ever said-what's happening to my life at the moment is my lowest point that for the nth time I'm saying I give up. I give up for being such a loser in my own microcosm. I give up on trying so hard not to disappoint everyone and here i am, a perfect example of a great disappointment. I give up on trying to please everyone even my own self.

This is the time where being judged is the last thing i ever want people to do to me.

I don't want to be so bitter about my life. I want to be happy and carefree and enjoy every bit of it. But now, it seems insuperably difficult. I hate being like this. I'm somewhere in a state I was afraid I would ever be. The anguish I feel is eminent beyond comparison to every bit of pain I undergone and lived through.

This is that certain point of my life where i need those people-those who i thought would be there because they're family -but then that very expectation failed me. So ironic how people these days seem to be. I never thought that they would be the very first persons to leave us behind, let us face the music alone, let us feel the rejection, the shame. How dare you!

But Alecx... bilog ang mundo.

covering up the truth

white lie-a lie concerning a trivial matter, often one told to spare someone's feelings

why do people lie? Even if they think it's better??

I never was a fan of white lies. I hate them. Told to spare someone's feelings? HELL YEAH...I particularly see it as something done out of pity. Being deprived of knowing what's going on is something that doesn't work for me. Even if they think it's much better that way.

I hate when people have to make something up just to cover the truth. why not face the music? People see me as the sarcastic, edgy, misunderstood type of person. Well, i guess not. I just want to be straightforward. I hate complications. Simple works for me. If that's what I say, then that's what I feel at that very moment. The feeling might change, though, and that happens a lot of times.

So when people dare to hide something from me, just so that they can't see my very reaction, i feel so so bad. I feel like I'm so stupid to know something. Which I'm not. I handle things as much as I could, with much enthusiasm and care.

So please, stop the lies. I'm so used of being hurt so if you think I'll be.. it's better that way than covering up the truth.

slightly eccentric.

I dont actually know where to start actually. I had a rough day. maybe it's just me. All the thoughts just keep on creeping back at me and i dont know how the hell should i deal with something i dont freaking know where came from.

ME and MY BIGMOUTH.

I dont know what im feeling. Maybe because im so tired waiting for something that will never come. And for once, i admit that im so so tired. Can i exist without having to explain or defend myself at all.

I cant please everyone. i dont think i should make even one move to make them please me.

the diligent student within me made me awake for those boring hours

Watta day. I felt so low. I miss someone so bad. Why is it so hard for me to move on and get over stuffs.


Anyway, why am i writing something about my stupid lovelife again?? yeah It's stupid. It's dull. I feel like im so so wasting my precious time about that person im not even sure cares about me and my existence.

So much of that!!

this day was more boring than exciting. I met some new teachers and had an orientation about their subject but i felt like sleeping talaga. of course i didn't. What impression would i give them if i actually do that?? But still the diligent student within me made me awake for those hours. Too many requirements as early as now. The REAL school days are happening already. I feel like im so not ready for it. i dunno why. Im really lazy n talaga. Waking me up is as hard as inserting a thread into a needle. well.. Goodluck saken. at sa nang-gigising saken. :D

first day pandemonium

What a fine day it surely was.

i wish i was deaf for about an hour before the classes start. it was really loud. full of voices screaming to their old classmates as if they're gone a million years. Hugs, giggles, laughs enveloped the room. Full of love!!

The people surrounding me seemed to find their lost treasures only their voices, deafening.


I feel like i regretted the excitement i felt for the past month ive been bored at home. i could not admit fully to myself ive wanted this day more than any day this year. and i was mortified. i was embarrassed to hear such screams( annoying screams). so irritating. really.

But still i saw my loved ones. my best friends, my beloved teachers, even to those i disagree at times. but im satisfied with this day, a day to start a more challenging and fruitful year. i hope. :D

i will see.

The first day of classes would be the day after tomorrow. I've waited for this day for about months now. Yeah, the enthusiasm's still there and i still can feel the excitement. The preparations I've made are countless. Still, a part of me is afraid of what future is ahead of me.

here's a confession:
I've been dying to see that one person. I missed that person so much I cannot wait to even hug that person. In short I've been looking forward for that day to come. A day that would seem to be a chance to see that one person. A day of excuse for me to glance that person and eventually to talk to him, catch things up, have a very long conversation of what we did this summer, this vacation and lots of things for us to do.

My imagination just shattered into pieces. i cried. i felt so so bad. he would not be in the same school as i am. all the things im planning to do with him just became hopeless. he's too far now.

just now, all the regrets came over me. i was mortified by my own little hopes.

i forgot to tell that one person something. and i think i had all those chances. yet, i was so afraid of the risks . all those fears inside of me became a hindrance for me to shut my mouth whenever i feel like saying those words in his face.

and now i think, i can never say that phrase anymore. i had all the chances yet i wasted it.

so why am i afraid of the future that's ahead of me??
i think im afraid that i would be so uninspired of not seeing him. i would miss him so much. still i have to forget all those feelings. yeah, it seems that time cant erase a feeling this strong.. but i'll see.

I glanced at you 'cause i felt like i should

But it's just surprising that you're looking at me

Our eyes met for a moment it felt so good

then I wonder why it made me happy

then I'm afraid for it might not be true

and these feelings deceive and let me be fooled

for this playful heart I was a victim too

between this heart and mind, I let my heart rule.

it's just so hard at times to determine

if I'm now stumbling or just falling

for this true feeling I'm not certain

I'll remind myself to just keep on waiting